Papa
Dear Sophia,
Last night when I watched you with your papa, putting on his stocking cap, and standing near him while he played his guitar - trying at every chance you got to strum on it yourself - I couldn't help but notice how much in love you are with him. (And then how every few minutes you would stick both hands straight in the air and yell Hot Dog! - that was not so touching, per se, but extremely amusing...) Usually when I'm working I find myself very contemplative about you, and your relationship with me, and my relationship with you, and I start to feel like we're both a little cheated. I start to take every little apathetic jesture and look as a personal condemnation. I start to feel like I'm being punished for not being at home with you.
But, last night, what I thought about was something Isaac said about you watching my every move. Moments like the ones I just mentioned are where I usually doubt that idea. I doubt that you watch me, because you only see me for a couple of hours a day, and by then, well, you're just not used to me and so why would you bother paying attention to what I do? (See how mature I am!) Last night, as I watched you with your dad, instead of feeling like you don't love me, I thought about how much you love him. And I felt proud that - in the teeniest tinyest way maybe - I have taught you to adore him. He thinks you watch me and my every move, and maybe that is true. But maybe what you're seeing is my love for him and my want for his attention, and that's what you want, too.
You are a smart girl to want to adore him. I know how important a girl's relationship is with her father, and I want you to have the best one possible. I also know that your time with him is something extremely rare, and that he thanks God he gets the time with you that he does. Because here's a little secret, he adores you, too. No one can ever take the place that you have in his heart. And that's a lifetime investment.
P.S. Happy 20-months birthday!
Last night when I watched you with your papa, putting on his stocking cap, and standing near him while he played his guitar - trying at every chance you got to strum on it yourself - I couldn't help but notice how much in love you are with him. (And then how every few minutes you would stick both hands straight in the air and yell Hot Dog! - that was not so touching, per se, but extremely amusing...) Usually when I'm working I find myself very contemplative about you, and your relationship with me, and my relationship with you, and I start to feel like we're both a little cheated. I start to take every little apathetic jesture and look as a personal condemnation. I start to feel like I'm being punished for not being at home with you.
But, last night, what I thought about was something Isaac said about you watching my every move. Moments like the ones I just mentioned are where I usually doubt that idea. I doubt that you watch me, because you only see me for a couple of hours a day, and by then, well, you're just not used to me and so why would you bother paying attention to what I do? (See how mature I am!) Last night, as I watched you with your dad, instead of feeling like you don't love me, I thought about how much you love him. And I felt proud that - in the teeniest tinyest way maybe - I have taught you to adore him. He thinks you watch me and my every move, and maybe that is true. But maybe what you're seeing is my love for him and my want for his attention, and that's what you want, too.
You are a smart girl to want to adore him. I know how important a girl's relationship is with her father, and I want you to have the best one possible. I also know that your time with him is something extremely rare, and that he thanks God he gets the time with you that he does. Because here's a little secret, he adores you, too. No one can ever take the place that you have in his heart. And that's a lifetime investment.
P.S. Happy 20-months birthday!
posted by Belle Etoile at 7:12 AM
4 Comments:
That is so beautiful BE. Sophia is so blessed to have a mommy and daddy who really do adore her.
So beautiful--your heart of hearts. What a good mother you truly are BE. And believe me, she knows how loved she is, by an adoring Papa and Mama. Tears in my eyes, precious BE.
Thanks for showing her how to love me.
This gave me goose bumps, Katie. You always say how Isaac and I are good writers, but I think sometimes...you got us beat! I love you so much and I am very proud of you.
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